I'm just venting,don't want to depress anyone, so ... please, if you don't want to read, please don't feel like you have to. It's just an outlet.
I have been negligent in taking care of other areas of my health, aside from diabetes, so this is my fault. MY fault that I didn't go months ago when i first noticed the blood. Thought it was nothing, although when I mentioned it, my boss poo-pooed the notion that it might require medical attention. See, i'm trying to blame her, but I can't, and that makes me mad :-). The decision was mine, ultimately, and I chose to ignore it. It was over, anyway, and wasn't much. Didn't see anything else (that i can remember) until a few weeks ago, so I decided it was time for the pap smear. Made an appointment, got in quickly with the FP, not the MD, because she wasn't taking anymore patients. Because my uterus was enlarged, they wanted to schedule an ultrasound, and they did. On Friday before that appoinmtent, I was home for my lunch break when the phone rang. It was the FP strongly advising me not to skip the appointment because the pap had come back positive for adenocarcinoma. I asked...are you saying I have cancer? She sent an email follow-up to the call that gave me all the information needed. My boss laughed and said, oh, it's just abnormal. My sister had an abnormal pap and they just called her in and it was all cleared up. There again, i'm trying to blame her, but can't do it.
I do have cancer. I had the ultrasound, had an endometrial biopsy to see if it was there, too. And i have to say, the biopsy was the worst thing I've been through, to date, but only after i left the office. The cramps started, I passed out, broke out in a cold sweat, became physically ill. Home never seemed so far away...
But I got through it.
My gynecologist wanted to refer me to Chapel Hill for treatment, but because of my husband's physical limitations, I asked for a doctor more local, in Pinehurst and she agreed, but said he was very busy and doubted I could get in to see him in the timely manner she/I needed.
When my friends found out, they all offered to help. They are so wonderful, and I love them dearly. My cousin's wife is the office manager for the oncologist I wanted. Call her, he said. My friend, Libby, said - my daughter is a nurse in her office. I'm calling her right now. In a bit, Libby came back and said, Katherine said to call, but there was no referral from my doc yet. Still, they would work me in.
In the meantime, my husband's friend Elspeth called him to do some work for her. She asked about me, and he told her what was going on. She said, no worries. My son in law will be her doctor. I will talk to him tonight at dinner.
I had known her son in law was an oncologist, but didn't know his name until she texted later that night and said, call him in the morning. She gave his name and son of a gun, it was the oncologist I wanted the referral to. I called the next morning, and within an hour, I was sitting in his office.
He was amazing. He said, Jim takes care of our stuff, we'll take care of his. I will treat you like you're my own sister. Later, I left the office feeling a bit more encouraged and a little less afraid.
And I'm trying to be positive, trying not to be afraid, but fear does rear it's ugly head at the most unexpected times. It's like grief - it sneaks up on you and overwhelms you. I woke the other morning and my first thought was Cancer. I went into a full blown anxiety attack. Did I wait too long? What if it has spread? What about the pain I went to the ER for the week before? Was that cancer? What pain is this that i'm feeling right now? Is that it, too? I couldn't breathe. I started crying. And in a little while, I was fine again. Washed my hair, went to work. Yesterday, another Friday, still awaiting results from biopsy, went to work and everybody was in turmoil. If they weren't angry, they were accusing. If something happened that I couldn't prevent, they found a way to somehow make it my fault. I have no power over my own health, and they think I can supercede the will of the transfer branch? I cannot. and I Could Not Take Another Thing this week. I completed some tasks and I high tailed it out of there.
But I have to go back. I need to save my time for the surgery, recovery, and possible chemo or radiation. I have to keep my job for the insurance benefits. I have to prepare and work ahead so my absence won't take too much of a toll on my boss, because she depends heavily upon me. And I need something else to think about, anyway, because my mind is swirling and whirling with all kinds of possibilities and responsibilities. Who will take care of my dogs? Who will cook dinner? Who will do my job while I'm out?
My morning mantra is, I will be strong. I will be positive, but the mantra should probably be an affirmation: I AM strong. I AM positive. I AM beating cancer. I AM making this a little easier on my family. I AM taking care of them, of things that need doing.