Now that the shock has worn off, I'm in a better frame of mind. I won't lie, the last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. First, I was numb. Then I was pissed - especially at the ER doctor who told me I was constipated and sent me home. And then panic set in. Every morning, I woke with this crippling fear. And then I cried. Honey, I cried everywhere -- at work, in the bathroom, walking the dogs, drinking coffee. But it always made me feel better, later. So my advice to anyone who receives devastating diagnoses - go with it the first week or so. Let yourself cry, but don't stay down there. Do Not Let It Keep You Down.
Yes, I'm still a bit scared. I mean, who wouldn't be? But since I have this thing, I have no choice but to fight it. And battle, I will! How I reached this particular point is funny, actually. My husband pissed me off. I know this has been scary for him, too, but he was MEAN. He said things to me I wouldn't say to my worst enemy, and I could have beaned him with a heavy lamp, but I like my lamp, so...
When he pissed me off, though, it ignited this spark inside of me. Fuck you, I thought, and fuck cancer, too. And that spark has found fuel and burst into flames.
My surgery is a week from tomorrow. My PET scan is Tuesday. I'm far more afraid of the PET scan, but no matter what it reveals, this girl's going to stay pissed. I have to.
I've researched diet, plan to speak with a RD, have already planned out what will be needed after surgery and have begun gathering necessities. When the anxiety hits, meditation and a boatload of lavender. It smells good, and if it does for me what it did for that little frog I found hiding in the plant pot, all the better. That little frog looked stoned. He was so relaxed he didn't even move when i poked him. He only looked at me like..what?
Ah, it's nice to know there's spirit in me, yet. I will beat this. Watch. :-)