On my visits to the oncologist, I see ladies with pretty scarves covering their hairless heads. Some women can carry off that look, kind of cute and feminine. They definitely don't wear that resigned look on their faces, and the ones I've seen still have their eyelashes and eyebrows. In the face of what really matters - fighting for their lives - hair loss seems a fair trade-off.
Trust and believe, it doesn't seem that small when your hair begins falling out. Two weeks to the day of the first treatment, I was riding in my husband's truck, windows down, and I kept seeing these wispy things fly around the cab. What IS that?...At first, I had no idea, but I caught one. It was my hair, detaching from my head in the wind.
It isn't that hard to describe that first reaction: a little bit of horror mixed with a little disbelief. But I knew this was coming, Dr. S. had said it would happen. Yet, i was overcome with grief, and I cried. It's not that my hair was so beautiful, but it had that wave to it that gave it a smoky, 50's kind of look when it was cut right. And besides, I was kind of attached to it.
I had the foresight to buy some chemo caps before treatment began, so I plopped one of my head when we got home. Took it off a while later and it was full of strands. By then, I was used to the idea of losing it. It's a trade-off, and it's temporary. I can live with it, in more ways than one.
This morning, it's coming out in clumps. My eyelashes are next. I can feel them itching and stinging, and I'm scared to rub them or even put mascara on. Losing those might be a little harder, but, there again, a trade-off. And they will grow back, too.
It's nothing but vanity, you know?
I wanted to prepare my son for my new look. He's taking all this a little hard, even though he tries not to show it. I know because when we talk on the phone, he says I love you before we hang up. He is a young man of few words and an overabundance of testosterone that keeps him from always showing his softer side. When I told him of my impending baldness, he said, Let me know when you get it shaved so I can shave mine, too. His show of love and support brought tears to my eyes, but I hope he doesn't shave his head. Again. he spent the last 5 years looking like Mr. Clean (his choice) and has just recently began sporting his hair again - complete with a little styling and some gel to keep it looking that way. He is handsome with or without, but he looks really nice with, and I can tell he likes it. I hope he'll keep his.
Today, I'm going to the prison for an employee appreciation dinner. Can't decide whether to wear my cap or not, but probably will. Would hate for the fan to hit me and blow hair all over everybody's food. After that, I'll be off in search of bandanas, hats, and some earrings. Might as well rock the look!
It really is a small price to pay for a chance to live.
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3 comments:
Maybe your son shaving his head will make him feel he is really Doing Something. It might help him. He's young so it will probably grow back even better. I hope you really rocked your look. And continue to do so.
You're right Mary. I did call him and let him know the day I shaved it. if he still wants to, I won't try to talk him out of it.
I hate that this is something you have to deal with, but I KNOW you DO rock the look!! And how precious that is your son wants to do this for you.
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